In a society that is satisfied with normality and upset by equality I have become a victim of mindless hatred and resentment and I have done it all to myself. I have done this terrible thing to myself, I have averaged myself. I speak to other people like I am confident but in reality it is all a show and I have put myself on display. In my mind average is the worst thing you can be, if you are less then average you can still grow and develop to an average state of being, if you are beyond average you have exceptional qualities that can't be taken form you, but if you're average you're stuck in the same timeline of unchanging madness.
It is worse to me because somedays I will have these bursts of energy and creativity and true confidence. The small days where I could be anything or anyone but that is all they are, a river of days flowing into the years of my life.
I have put the rest of society on a pillar so high that I can't even see them anymore. I've dismissed all of the knowledge I have as common sense. It literally surprises me when there are people who don't know some of the things I know because to me it is an everyday fact, you know one of those things you've known for so long that you can't even remember learning like 2+2. I go to college and I take classes and I try so hard to learn and be intelligent but I can't because everything I learn is dismissed as an average level of knowledge. I don't want other people to praise me because I know things, i just want to learn to be comfortable with what have.
Recently I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I am almost finished with my associates degree in General Education but I want something more. I go through the list of things that I want to do but I dismiss every single one because I don't have a talent or I am not smart enough. Music used to be the thing that I loved more then anything, I dreamed of creating songs that would inspire people and make them sing along, but the more I practice the more I fail and I destroy myself for that. How can I inspire other people when I can't even keep myself strong enough to pursue a dream. I have hobbies like Crocheting and making jewelry but I dismiss them all as average things that no one would want because they're not amazing for perfect.
I consider applying for jobs and internships but I could never imagine being good enough to get them because there isn't anything that is special about me, nothing that someone would want. When I was accepted for the Disney college program I broke down with emotion and it wasn't until I called my dad he told me: "You really didn't think you would get it, did you?" That I realized he was right. I had already dismissed my chance at it, but I kept trying because I thought maybe one day. Even after getting accepted I worked so hard during my program everyday because I was so scared that they would take it away when they realized how average I was.
I strive to be better, not better then other people but better then myself because that is the only option I really have. I fight for my opportunities because I can't believe I have them.
I used to think my work ethic was a blessing, I work hard because I believe work should be done well. I know better then that now, I work hard because it terrifies me to think that I won't be good enough for it.
I find it so hard to apply myself to different programs and to create new goals because it is so hard for me to believe that I deserve them in the end.
I always thought I had confidence because I don't have body image issues and I love that part of me, but I realized that, that love was only skin deep I have to love myself inside too.
