Hello!
I am afraid to say it but this blog will no longer be active or updated. Everything is moving to a brand new wordpress page.
http://agirlinyellow.wordpress.com/about/
The new blog will be updated a couple times a week and have a better focus on my life then this page did.
Please check out the new blog!
It'll be a month or so before I actually go through and delete this one!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
What do I do now?
It happens, we all reach that point in life where we reflect on where we've been and what we've accomplished and think, What do i do now? Where do i go from here? What do I have to show for my life?
I think this is commonly mistaken for a "mid life" crisis, when in reality it is a daily dilemma that faces people all over the world everyday.
When you think of a midlife crisis you may think of the standard man turning 40 and going out and buying an overly expensive sports car. For some reason we've neglected to try and see what that man feels, and why it happens at all.
We live in a society that has us so convinced that everyone has all the answers all the time and that we should have the answers all the time as well. It's a beautifully crafted lie that when you become and adult you do what you want and life makes sense, when in reality you spend your time running around looking for answers only to find more questions while running into other people with other questions. All these people running around with questions assume that you have already asked yourself the same questions, but you know the answers. What are the question?
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? How do I get there?
It's time to face the facts, we will never know the answers. There will be times when we think we know, so we pursue our answers only to find that they change and shift as we move forward with an ending result of something that was nothing at all like what we started out with.
As we grow older we realize more and more that these answers do not exist, but we do get something from our searching for them. An adventure.
Life is unorganized and chaotic, but we move forward searching for something, doing things to get us from one place to another. Even the days that you don't want to get out of bed and you decide to skip class or call in sick you are moving forward and creating opportunity.
If we could all just stop pretending that everyone knows the answer, that everyone else has life figured out and knows what they're doing.
I think this is commonly mistaken for a "mid life" crisis, when in reality it is a daily dilemma that faces people all over the world everyday.
When you think of a midlife crisis you may think of the standard man turning 40 and going out and buying an overly expensive sports car. For some reason we've neglected to try and see what that man feels, and why it happens at all.
We live in a society that has us so convinced that everyone has all the answers all the time and that we should have the answers all the time as well. It's a beautifully crafted lie that when you become and adult you do what you want and life makes sense, when in reality you spend your time running around looking for answers only to find more questions while running into other people with other questions. All these people running around with questions assume that you have already asked yourself the same questions, but you know the answers. What are the question?
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? How do I get there?
It's time to face the facts, we will never know the answers. There will be times when we think we know, so we pursue our answers only to find that they change and shift as we move forward with an ending result of something that was nothing at all like what we started out with.
As we grow older we realize more and more that these answers do not exist, but we do get something from our searching for them. An adventure.
Life is unorganized and chaotic, but we move forward searching for something, doing things to get us from one place to another. Even the days that you don't want to get out of bed and you decide to skip class or call in sick you are moving forward and creating opportunity.
If we could all just stop pretending that everyone knows the answer, that everyone else has life figured out and knows what they're doing.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Average
In a society that is satisfied with normality and upset by equality I have become a victim of mindless hatred and resentment and I have done it all to myself. I have done this terrible thing to myself, I have averaged myself. I speak to other people like I am confident but in reality it is all a show and I have put myself on display. In my mind average is the worst thing you can be, if you are less then average you can still grow and develop to an average state of being, if you are beyond average you have exceptional qualities that can't be taken form you, but if you're average you're stuck in the same timeline of unchanging madness.
It is worse to me because somedays I will have these bursts of energy and creativity and true confidence. The small days where I could be anything or anyone but that is all they are, a river of days flowing into the years of my life.
I have put the rest of society on a pillar so high that I can't even see them anymore. I've dismissed all of the knowledge I have as common sense. It literally surprises me when there are people who don't know some of the things I know because to me it is an everyday fact, you know one of those things you've known for so long that you can't even remember learning like 2+2. I go to college and I take classes and I try so hard to learn and be intelligent but I can't because everything I learn is dismissed as an average level of knowledge. I don't want other people to praise me because I know things, i just want to learn to be comfortable with what have.
Recently I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I am almost finished with my associates degree in General Education but I want something more. I go through the list of things that I want to do but I dismiss every single one because I don't have a talent or I am not smart enough. Music used to be the thing that I loved more then anything, I dreamed of creating songs that would inspire people and make them sing along, but the more I practice the more I fail and I destroy myself for that. How can I inspire other people when I can't even keep myself strong enough to pursue a dream. I have hobbies like Crocheting and making jewelry but I dismiss them all as average things that no one would want because they're not amazing for perfect.
I consider applying for jobs and internships but I could never imagine being good enough to get them because there isn't anything that is special about me, nothing that someone would want. When I was accepted for the Disney college program I broke down with emotion and it wasn't until I called my dad he told me: "You really didn't think you would get it, did you?" That I realized he was right. I had already dismissed my chance at it, but I kept trying because I thought maybe one day. Even after getting accepted I worked so hard during my program everyday because I was so scared that they would take it away when they realized how average I was.
I strive to be better, not better then other people but better then myself because that is the only option I really have. I fight for my opportunities because I can't believe I have them.
I used to think my work ethic was a blessing, I work hard because I believe work should be done well. I know better then that now, I work hard because it terrifies me to think that I won't be good enough for it.
I find it so hard to apply myself to different programs and to create new goals because it is so hard for me to believe that I deserve them in the end.
I always thought I had confidence because I don't have body image issues and I love that part of me, but I realized that, that love was only skin deep I have to love myself inside too.
It is worse to me because somedays I will have these bursts of energy and creativity and true confidence. The small days where I could be anything or anyone but that is all they are, a river of days flowing into the years of my life.
I have put the rest of society on a pillar so high that I can't even see them anymore. I've dismissed all of the knowledge I have as common sense. It literally surprises me when there are people who don't know some of the things I know because to me it is an everyday fact, you know one of those things you've known for so long that you can't even remember learning like 2+2. I go to college and I take classes and I try so hard to learn and be intelligent but I can't because everything I learn is dismissed as an average level of knowledge. I don't want other people to praise me because I know things, i just want to learn to be comfortable with what have.
Recently I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I am almost finished with my associates degree in General Education but I want something more. I go through the list of things that I want to do but I dismiss every single one because I don't have a talent or I am not smart enough. Music used to be the thing that I loved more then anything, I dreamed of creating songs that would inspire people and make them sing along, but the more I practice the more I fail and I destroy myself for that. How can I inspire other people when I can't even keep myself strong enough to pursue a dream. I have hobbies like Crocheting and making jewelry but I dismiss them all as average things that no one would want because they're not amazing for perfect.
I consider applying for jobs and internships but I could never imagine being good enough to get them because there isn't anything that is special about me, nothing that someone would want. When I was accepted for the Disney college program I broke down with emotion and it wasn't until I called my dad he told me: "You really didn't think you would get it, did you?" That I realized he was right. I had already dismissed my chance at it, but I kept trying because I thought maybe one day. Even after getting accepted I worked so hard during my program everyday because I was so scared that they would take it away when they realized how average I was.
I strive to be better, not better then other people but better then myself because that is the only option I really have. I fight for my opportunities because I can't believe I have them.
I used to think my work ethic was a blessing, I work hard because I believe work should be done well. I know better then that now, I work hard because it terrifies me to think that I won't be good enough for it.
I find it so hard to apply myself to different programs and to create new goals because it is so hard for me to believe that I deserve them in the end.
I always thought I had confidence because I don't have body image issues and I love that part of me, but I realized that, that love was only skin deep I have to love myself inside too.
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